La Douleur Exquise

The excruciating pain experienced when wanting someone you cannot have.  Refers to the emotion of the person whose love isn't reciprocated.

In every person's life there is that moment.  The moment you place all of your eggs in one basket, deliver it to the object of your affection, and watch them crush your eggs and basket with the force of Godzilla traversing Tokyo.
For smart people, this moment usually ends in a tear filled tantrum until blackout, thus repressing the sting of rejection.  The rest of us however including myself, meet this moment assured there can be no torture worse than be rejected and, you offer yourself, an effigy to the awkward moments that follow until you've won.  Nobody wins, but one thing is certain.  This moment will become a chapter in your life marked, numbered, and named.

My "moment" is called Paul D'Angelo.

From the 10th grade until we graduated high school, I was sufferably and inexplicably head over heels for Paul D'Angelo.  Paul played on the basketball team, he was wicked good at math and six foot five inches of cute as button.  Lots of girls thought he was cute.  But unlike them I thought Paul was an adonis.  To show him such reverence I sat ridiculously close to him in the classes we shared.  I would eavesdrop his conversations with classmates and but in with what I thought was witty and clever, even if i hadn't been invited to join.  Even our lunch tables were in ear shot of one another.
Anyone would think that this kind of dedication deserved an award.  In fact, this dedication indeed competed with my schoolwork, household chores, and a year spent as a student in an afternoon performing arts high school.  Through it all, I met the challenge of getting Paul to want to be my boyfriend with the confidence of Wyle E. Coyote.  Without fail, I landed every attempt with a poof ball to the hard, cold ground of reality.
Reality had a name too, and she was called Katherine.

Katherine was blonde, built like a southern cheerleader, intelligent and intelligently attentive to Paul's charm.  You see, Paul had a crush on Katherine.  It wasn't in the same way I had a crush on Paul, but she had his balls and heart wrapped around her finger.  It was gross.
Katherine had a number of boyfriends despite Paul's intentions.  She was a rival but not.  One day she became a true rival as I attempted to make a deposit in the bank of Paul worship before our math class, masked as a quick convo over a project we were assigned to work as a group on.  She blocked my attempt and that turned into what I like to call, "The Stupidest Catfight Heard round' the School."
It went something like this.
Me: (skittishly confident) So Paul, I thought maybe you could do this part of the project.
Katherine: Isn't there another time you can talk to Paul?
Me: I'm sorry Katherine, but I wasn't talking to you.  I was talking to Paul.
(Both of the felines are sideways pacing with heavily arched backs.  Hisses slowly evolve into growls.)
Paul: Uh.
Me: As I was saying...
Katherine: Jezrie, Paul doesn't want to talk to you right now.
Me: Katherine, I'm sure Paul has no problem speaking for himself.
Paul: I'm not getting into this.
Katherine: Like I said, Paul doesn't want to talk to you right now.  Why don't you go back to your seat? (Scene)
It was awful.  Cringetastic even.

It was a massacre.

A few hours later in Spanish class, Katherine came in.  She stopped to say hello to her then boyfriend, Victor, but made a b-line for me instead.  She crouched to get at eye level with me as I was seated.  She apologized.
I was so confused by this gesture and what occurred during math that I nodded and said nothing.  But here, and now I'd like to "replay" what occurred had my senses not been knocked the fuck out.
Katherine: Jezrie, (and God did the way she said my name sound condescending) I'm sorry for what happened earlier.  I just thought you were trying to bother Paul, so I acted.  It wasn't mature.
Jezrie: Considering he's my assigned partner for a project I will end up doing all pieces of and, that you had no idea what was going on, yeah I'd agree it wasn't mature of you.  While this attempt to apologize seems to be, I've had time to think about our encounter earlier.  I also have something mature to share with you.
Katherine: I don't understand.
Jezrie: I don't expect you to.  Because of today, there will never be anything I can do to win Paul's affection.  In two years time it will have appeared things change when rumors about Paul and I hooking up begin to spread.  And we will be.  This isn't so much a detriment to you, but the growing I will end up having to do after the damage of allowing myself to be used because you were "unattainable," will lead me to meet the man of my dreams in England, where we will both be studying.  He and I will marry and, he will believe in and love me in ways I had been looking for in Paul and, other little boys that follow.  You and Paul will get married and have babies and live happily ever after, but I will be happier.  I will be happier because I never had to hide the true intent of my heart like this game you and Paul will play with each other for years.  I embarrassed myself, I disrespected myself and, I allowed it.  I had to in order to appreciate my heart's reflection when it would finally arrive.
Katherine: I really don't...
Jezrie: Get it. (Pause) Yeah, I said you wouldn't.  But I do.  So maybe it's me who owes you an apology after all.  (Scene)

If only...